I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
