We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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