the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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