so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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