my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Sober January is a disaster.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
