bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
