does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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