I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Randomize
