see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
