if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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