i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
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