We won't sleep together?
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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