first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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