i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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