If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
