True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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