i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize