how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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