So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
