hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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