I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
