why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
