what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
