I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
