wrigley field is MILF paradise
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
that is very illegal...i love you.
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