I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I need to calm my uterus...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
