U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He passed out mid-signature
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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