I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
