I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
All I want is dick and wine.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
