i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
