I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Houston, we have a blender
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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