Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
