dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.