Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
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