I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Randomize
