I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
