You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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