No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
