$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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