We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
