He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
