I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
