and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
