my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I looked at my own cervix.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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