He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Tornado booty call.. dedication
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
