that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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