I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
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