I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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