shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
