I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
