So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
