we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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