phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
