I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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