My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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