if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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