Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
