Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
